Lets (try to) Play Starbound
by BKGeno
Summary: Some are born heroes, some become heroes, and some do all the work with none of the reward. And then there are idiots like this guy. A humorous take on the misadventures possible in Starbound. THIS STORY HAS BEEN CLOSED DUE TO LACK OF FURTHER INTEREST FROM THE AUTHOR.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer**_ _\- Disclaimer text goes here. Blah, blah, blah._

 _ **Author's Notes**_ _\- WARNING! May or may not contain any of the following: Violence, swearing, sex with plants, sex with birds, sex with cats, sex with dogs, sex with other humans, sex with tentacle monsters, sex with stars, sex with frog/fish/dolphin/whale/ water-THINGS, acts of awesome awesomeness, bad puns, good puns, running with the idiot ball, taunting of the happy-fun ball, incorrect pop culture or video game references, and typos. If any of these offend, disgust, or appall you, please find another story to read. If not, enjoy._

 _Also note, this game was played on normal difficulty, and as 'organically' as possible. So no death warps back to the ship, no hacks, no mods, no glitches or other exploits, and STARTED on 'glad giraffe' version of the game. Well, no mods other than adding some extra races. :)_

 **Part 1 - Getting Started (Again)**

 _Beginning diction._

Day 1 (yes, starting over again, shut up)

Wait, is this even thing on? Yes? Awesome, delete previous and start from next.

 **Journal, entry 1;**

Dropped out of hyperspace, after ditching the cargo pod in hyperspace that contained… that tentacle thing that had snuck on board. And was totally not brought on by a member of the crew. Sadly, it had dragged the captain and the other two on board into the cargo pod before I could seal the doors. And then jettison the cargo pod into hyperspace.

I then took stock of the situation. Two airlocks attached to the teleporter bay, and the main compartment still attached to the forward connector. Luckily the engines were still attached to the old teleporter hub/room, but a quick glance out the viewport showed I was not going anywhere; not with that much engine damage. Unless I want to know what the inside of an explosion looks and feels like. Briefly.

Thankfully, Chuckles the black cat was nowhere to be seen, in either the teleporter room, or the main (read: only) compartment, which was a good sign. However, the bulkhead to the cockpit was sealed, and sparking, so there was yet hope for the terrifying, toe slashing, and foot biting fuzzball, sadly. Did I mention me and that monstrosity that disguises itself as a cuddly kitty don't get along?

Unfortunately, my woes had apparently only just started, as the entire ship lost power, but thankfully not artificial gravity, as I was contemplating what to do. Did I mention that the universe seems to hate me? I quickly raided the nearby ship storage locker, and found a couple useful items, like a flashlight and bandages, and several not so useful items, like torches, a massive chipped and pitted sword, and a pickaxe.

Seriously, we are in the freaking future, flying around in space ships, and I find a honest to gods, be damned pickaxe in the space ship. Whatever, I used the flashlight, and locate the main computer console. It still had emergency power, so I booted it up. A couple prompts showed up, so I start pushing buttons. Always worked for me before, no sense changing the game now. And my reward was a matter manipulator dropping out of the slot on the bottom of the console, and right onto my foot. Did I mention that computers seem to hate me?

After stoically and being manly about the injury by assuredly not screaming like a little girl and rolling around on the floor, I picked up the 'c' shaped matter manipulator. A second later a small backpack dropped out of the slot, followed by a small booklet, probably the manual. I hadn't survived to my third decade by bothering to read manuals, though, so the first thing I used the manipulator for was to break the booklet apart for supplies.

Sadly, this was one of the older model manipulators, so all it did was vaporize the booklet. No supplies, no pixels, which is what we use for currency in space. I was a very sad earthling space neanderthal. I picked up and put the small backpack around my waist, where I could easily connect the matter manipulator to it, letting me store things in the small pack. It took a few minutes to find a comfortable position to it, as it would flop around if I tried to run with it, but hanging off my front would damage… delicate parts. I needed the sides of the pack's straps where I could carry items and weapons, so that meant letting the small pack hang over my butt. Not the most dignified position, but it was the one that worked best.

Oh, right, I never told you about the matter manipulators, did I, journal? Well, they work through high end techno-babble, utilizing space magic, electromagnetic temporal fields, spatial and gravitropic distortion, or the infinite power of the messiah (hallelujah), to, get this... manipulate matter. Though it doesn't work on creatures, including sentient plants, but will work just fine on non-sentient plants. But the truth is, noone knows how damned things work, we just use the damned things. We found the first few somewhere, and could make more before Earth got eaten by a tentacle monster from hell, but we aren't sure how they work.

Anyhoo, done screwing around with the alien tech likely irradiating my balls off, I adjust the straps, and sling the notched great sword over my back, and then ensure my spiffy black jacket, red t-shirt and black jeans are at least comfortable, and that my combat boots are properly strapped. I then turn toward the door to the cockpit, and glare at it as I reach for the great sword. Just as I was about to deliver a kickass line about what I planned to do to it, the computer abruptly chimed. "Stable planetary orbit achieved. Teleporter hub, online."

Have I mentioned I hate computers? But now I had a way off this wreck, so I decided to deass from this ship haste-post. Its haste-post, not post-haste, stop auto-editing my entries, journal! Anyhoo, I jumped up onto the teleporter pad, and grabbed a nearby headpiece from the wall rack so I could request extraction when the natives got restless. Or at least get back to the tub if I couldn't find a better ride to smooze out on. The console had mentioned need something called core fragments to repair the engines, so I could keep that in mind. I took a deep breath, a look around, and issued what might be the final words this tub would hear for a long time. "Journal, cease entry recording and..."

 _End diction. End of Entry 1._


	2. Chapter 2

**Journal entry 2:**

Day four, and obviously, I am back, sad as the thought is. No settlements, though I did find a couple of campsites, but nothing sapient, alive, and friendly. A handful of unfriendlies, but that was soon corrected. By which I mean I sliced them up but good. One of them had been using a nice pistol, which I kept. And at the second campsite I found a nice axe, as well as a shield in the nearby mines.

Sadly, I have not found any other way off this rock. So now I have to repair the damned engines. Did I mention I hate deserted planets? Makes it damned hard to find anything. Plenty of raw materials, lots of coal, iron, as well as a small seam of diamonds. Or whatever you call a grouping of about twelve diamonds in the same area. Lots of plant fiber, though nothing worth the frustration of hunting.

Got a bunch of basic building stuff in the paperweight with delusions of being a starship. Including a fire that violates every damned rule, law, and regulation about being in space, but not my concern at the moment. I need a safe spot to cook what little meat I have been finding while hunting. And what is safer than my own spaceship?

Anyway, now that I have to use this paperweight, I can start doing some serious mining for core fragments. Probably should start in the mines, get a good head start that way, but first to stock up on torches, bandages, wooden platforms, and foodstuffs. Might be as long as a week before I get back, so should put out the fire before leaving…

 _No further recordings received. Ending dictation_


	3. Chapter 3

Journal entry 3:

Day twelve. Gods save me from being bored.

More than a week of mining down, and sideways, and occasionally up, and found more lava flows than I can throw plant fibers into. And believe me, I tried. Luckily, managed to avoid falling into them. Obviously, or would not be here talking about it. Writing about it. Whatever.

Found another pistol in a section of caves and caverns that had signs of habitation in them, but had been sealed for a long while. So now I can dual wield pistols like a boss! Made some basic scout armor using the iron I dug up, so at least now I can survive having my leg bitten by insane space monsters. And what the hell is up with the evolution on some of these planets? A naturally occurring metallic lifeform that spits lightning bolts and looks like a pyramid fell on an overturned waste bin?

Whatever, not a biologist or whatever would be concerned about it. Managed to get some core fragments, as well as a massive amount of iron, copper, coal, and plant fibers, and a few dozen other, less important items. Including a tech drive with a function already written on it. Will figure out what it does later.

All I am glad for is that the matter manipulator is working fine. Otherwise I wouldn't be moving under the weight of all that crap. So after booting up the computer, I fed the thirty core fragments into the required slot, and waited for the computer to finish calculating pi, or whatever it is computers do while the swirly, blinky circle thing spins.

…AGAansdlfihask

Excuse me. The computer had finished what it was doing, and opened all the sealed interior bulkheads. Chuckles had, in fact, been hiding in the cockpit, and reintroduced itself to me by trying to take my foot off, and was told to frag off by being punted to the other side of the room. Did I mention I hate cats? Almost used a couple of the bomblets I found, but they are more useful for defense against monsters actually trying to eat me, rather than the monster on my paperweight of a…

Huh, computer just told me we can move about the system now. Sadly, the hyperspace engine is still offline, but there IS something on the edge of the system that the computer… thinks…

Frag me, the computer is actually semi-sentient, if not fully so. I think I will just space myself and call it a day.

Well, crap, outer airlocks don't work. Fascinating. Well, at least I am still ASDGhokasdhf

Excuse me, Chuckles said hi again, and got another flying lesson. Anyhoo, setting a course for the odd structure thing on the edge of the system. Now to seal myself in the cockpit and hope Chuckles doesn't realize it until AFTER the door is sealed.

 _End diction. End of Journal Entry 3_


	4. Chapter 4

**Journal entry 4**

Day 'who gives a flying rat's butt?' It's been about a month and a half since the last entry, and I stopped counting days after five minutes after the last entry. Yes, I could check the computer's clock, but that would take more effect than I care to spare.

First and most importantLy, I GOT A FLAMETHROWER. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Gleeful cackling most definitely followed after getting that, and after each use against those fragging local monstrosities that kept trying to swarm me. They still do, but now I have a flamethrower, ho ha hee! Sadly, Chuckles the cat seems to have vanished, and believe me, I looked.

Ahem, sorry, back in control now. So, in a more controlled manner, here's what happened after the last entry.

The thing that the computer (which is a fully sentient AI, FML) detected was an orbiting teleportation platform thingamajig (highly specific and technical term, just like doohickey, thingamabob, and shenanigans) that relocated me to a place called The Outpost. I met a surprisingly large number of beings there, including several Florians, Hylotl, Glitches, Avians, other humans, a couple Apex basturds, and even a Novakid. Though the Novakid left quickly afterwards, fleeing to the teleport pad with a small mob on his heels after asking one of the married humans why they had a late night meeting with one of the Apex.

Anyway, after getting out of the way of the mob, and connecting the teleporter at The Outpost to the paperweight, I got bombarded with requests to do things for the natives. Well, I got about five requests, including one to get a bug, and another to find out why a mining colony had stopped broadcasting a couple days ago. The latter quest giver, however, refused to give me the coordinates until I had steel armor instead of the iron scout armor I was strutting. Fine whatever, it would give me a chance to do some of these quests and get more stuff.

So, I got back to my paperweight that was slowly remembering it was actually a ship, and randomly selected a planet that I could get to. I pushed the buttons, pulled levers, threw throttles, and eventually arrived at my destination. A desert planet. I hate desert planets, though not as much as lava planets. Poisonous ocean planets are a close third.

Anyhoo, I beamed down to the dustball, and started looking around, eventually finding the flamethrower in a weapons locker hidden halfway up a sheer cliff. I found a lot of other, somewhat important stuff, but not nearly as nice, except for a nice shotgun. As a crap ton of stuff to make iron into steel, as well as other stuff needed for the people back at The Outpost that were incapable of doing their own legwork.

Whatever, I finished collecting the stuff that I mined and that the monsters carried around for some inexplicable reason, and then had the computer pull my happy butt out of the mines after my fourth fall into a large cavern with no way out but what I cut. Never been so happy to have a matter manipulator. Especially since I had upgraded it several times, so it was now far more powerful and could move liquids instead of just solids. The reason I waited until the fourth fall was 'cause that fall landed me in a massive pool of oil. I harvested as much of the oil as I could, even trying to clean out the cracks in the walls to get it all, and then returned to the ship.

Once back, I made my new steel armor, replaced my old fire axe with a nice new steel axe, and made a light source on a stick, that I strapped to my back. I then looked at myself in the mirror, and teared up at how awesome I looked. Wearing a bland army helmet, basic body armor, and had a lantern slamming into the back of my head whenever I moved.

Gods help me, I was back in the marines again, but this time without the consoling thought of getting into the cockpit of my fighter for stress relief. Nope, just had to keep the happy thought of burning monstrosities with my flamethrower, or electrifying them with my shotgun.

Honestly, I wasn't that spaced about it.

Anyhoo, returned to The Outpost, and talked to the person, who finally relented to give me the coordinates of the mining facility. Never mind at that point they had been off the comm grid for nearly three weeks. Nope, had to make sure the rescuer was going in armed and armored enough to take on a small army, and wouldn't just need to fix a short circuit or anything. I also turned in a bunch of the other quests, but couldn't do a couple of them yet, couldn't get a couple things for them, and no one around here does rain checks.

Whatever, I just got back from doing that, and the computer has released what looks like a camera drone. Not off settling or anything like that, just sending a recording drone with me to a comm dead mining facility. Yep, can't see any way this could possibly go wrong.

I hate this frag.

Time to go, and will try to find Chuckles again when I get back. Computer, two for the Erebus Mining Facility. Let's do this.

 _End of dictation, ending recording. Streaming drone feed to Extranet VideoTubes, adding extralink to 'Funniest Human Deaths' site._


	5. Chapter 5: Erchius Facility

_Author's Note: Trying something new, more a 'Doom' level writing style. If people like it, the other story missions will be in a similar format._

 **Action Journal 1: Erchius Facility**

I land from the teleport just outside the mining facility, and take a look around. It was very clearly a barren rock, and while the hum of machinery could be clearly felt through my boots, I couldn't hear it. Made me glad that I had also gotten a rebreather implant from that guy that had directed me here. A sign outside made me sigh, before walking forward toward the external airlock. Erchius, not Erebus.

A moment of playing with the external airlock controls made it slide open, and I advanced, pausing as I spotted the second airlock door open. That meant the entire facility was unpressurized, and anyone without a rebreather was dead. I sigh, before waving to the following drone. It was a small unarmored and unarmed thing, so I have no idea why the computer had fabricated it and sent it along. Not like a computer had a sense of humor.

A quick sweep of the control room attached to the airlock revealed no one, and the four consoles had no information, but at least one of them let me turn off the fragging alarm blaring overhead. No clocks, no blood and no bodies, which meant no information. A ladder descended into the floor, and I take it down.

Landed in the middle of a mess hall or recreation room, one leading to what looked like a bathroom and a ladder down again, the other side leading to another ladder down. Quick sweep of the bathroom and recreation room reveals nothing, but the trash can in the bathroom did have a coil of climbing rope. Curious.

I take the nearest ladder, the one near the bathroom, figuring that it would land me in the dorms. It landed me in a hallway, and I already hate this place. A sign pointed to the dorms toward where the other ladder likely came down, as well as a security room in the other direction. I decide to check the dorms first. Survivors would be nice, give me an idea what I was getting into.

Sadly, the dorms were deserted, but my check of the lockers _(hey, hoping for a journal that said something about digging too deep before it ended in a distinctly unhealthy gurgle, those are more common than one would believe)_ revealed a delightful gift. I might even have squeed a little bit. An assault rifle, with a barrel mod that electrified the slugs. I had a new favorite toy.

I slung the new assault rifle over my free shoulder, my other shoulder normally taken by the shotgun that was in my hands, my left hip by the flamethrower, and my right hip held my axe. I felt like a walking armory, but now I could deal with anything! Sadly, nothing appeared to test my newest toy on, so I headed back to the security station. The doors to it were locked, as was the floor hatch that led to the mines proper, but the ceiling passage, likely a maintenance or emergency access passage, was still open.

A minute later, I drop into the security room, and look around. Other than a small pile of rubble on the ground in the center of the room, nothing unusual. The security console was on the far side of the room, embedded in the wall, naturally facing away from the rubble. So I did the sensible and level headed thing, and threw one of my bomblets onto the rubble pile. One explosion later, the pile was unmoved, and I was short one of my two bomblets. I was a very sad earthling space monkey.

I still checked the rubble, and noticed a splash of blood on several rocks on the other side of it. A lack of a source made me look up, and instantly regret it. There was a hatch set into the ceiling, and the hatch and surrounding ceiling was utterly covered in blood. It looked somewhat dried, but not completely, so whoever had gotten pulled up into it had died recently, likely within a couple hours. But it had been at least three weeks since the initial distress signal, which made no sense. One of the first things done would have been to send the signal and engage the security systems. So why was the blood, presumably from the person that had killed, both here and fresh when the signal had been sent at least three weeks ago?

I shake off that disturbing question, and head to the console. And find the first sign of something being seriously off here. Other than the lack of comms, the distress signal, the blood and lack of people, I mean. The console had a timer on it, showing when the main and secondary security systems had been engaged; three weeks, two days, and seven hours ago. With some minutes and seconds on the side. I glance back at the hatch, and slide the shotgun onto my shoulder, and begin working my way through the security system to disable it.

Nearly an hour later, after locking myself out twice and punching the console several times in frustration, I had the main lever reactivated. Once I pulled it, the main security systems would power down, and the main systems would unlock and resume 'normal' status if possible. Many would be locked until all the secondary security systems had been turned off, but I would be able to work my way down to each secondary lock.

The map on the console showed six in total, three on the level immediately below me, two on the level below that, and one all the way at the bottom of the facility. I sigh, and sign off the console, before standing and grabbing the lever. It stuck slightly, but after a second it gave, and slammed into the off position with a satisfying clunk. Rather than make the facility brighter though, it killed about half the lights in the room, even as the sounds of doors opening and locks disengaging rang though the facility.

I reflexively grabbed the shotgun off my shoulder and turn as something landed behind me with a sickening splat. At first, it looked like a skinned corpse had landed on the rubble pile, still bleeding, but then it twitched, and slowly began straightening itself and standing. Two hysterically small, skeletal wings flicked, and its overly large hands grabbed at rubble as it tried to balance on two spindly, almost atrophied legs. But the face was the worst.

Its eyebrows had sagged, almost covering its small misshapen eyes, and it had no ears to speak of. Its nose curled around, extending down into its mouth, where four broken but still huge teeth stuck out. Its slow climb to its feet paused as it finally saw me, shotgun raised and aiming at it. For a moment, neither of us moved, except the thing's head as it turned one way and then twisted another, trying see me around its own deformities.

I shook of the horrified fascination I had been gazing at the creature with, which was admittedly a bit cute in a really hideously ugly way, and leveled the shotgun at its chest. "On the ground, NOW!"

It responded by screeching, a sound that felt like my ears were being attacked by drills wearing sandpaper condoms but not nearly as comfortable, and then it raised its huge hands at me. And I realized with sickening horror there were MOUTHS on its palms. I threw myself to the side, as the hand orifices vomited blood and flesh at me. I managed to avoid being splattered by the disgusting assault, and charged forward, blasting it again and again with my weapon.

It took four blasts like a champ, not caring in the slightest as it rocked from the powerful blows, and finished regurgitating its approximate body mass in flesh and blood, before it turned back towards me, hands extending again. But it had taken so long to finish and recover from the first attack that I had gotten close enough to have all the pellets focus against one spot instead of a spread. I fired directly into its wrist, blowing its hand clean off. It screamed in rage, otherwise barely noticing the lack of a hand, and tried to spray me with the remaining hand, only for me to use the butt of the shotgun to knock it aside just as it started spraying.

It responded by puking on me with its 'normal' mouth.

I have never been so grateful for a rebreather in my life, as the mixture burned like an acid, and I knew I was going to need a bath at the end of this. Hell, I needed a bath NOW. But while my skin burned and my equipment sizzled, I shoved the barrel of the shotgun against what I hoped was its chin, and squeezed the trigger. With the contents of its stomach on my face, _(thankfully not in my mouth or nose)_ I couldn't see what happened, but I could definitely hear it.

I pulled my canteen off my hip, and doused my face with its contents, luckily grabbing my water canteen instead of my alcohol one. And then I took a look at my victim as my eyes cleared. Its head had been taken clean off. I had survived my first fight with whatever it was, but had learned an important lesson: range was god in here. Especially as I spotted two more shambling slowly down the hallway toward the security room. I splashed the rest of the water over my armor and equipment to get the acid off everything, before slinging the shotgun, and pulling the assault rifle out.

A quick fight later, I learned a few more interesting things. First, even when getting blasted apart, the things couldn't move faster than a slow shuffle, but could actually fly surprisingly fast and far on those pathetic wings, but not very high. Second, they could spew blood, flesh, and acid from their hand orifices remarkably far, but I could easily out range them with the rifle. And third, the acid would eat through metal and didn't appear to oxidize quickly, as the security console was destroyed from the first fight, and the acid was still eating away at it.

I headed back up to the bathroom to refill my canteen, and then returned to the security room to experiment. A few minutes later, I was refilling the canteen again, but learned that almost any amount of water would successfully neutralize the acid, as long as it wasn't a stupidly small amount. Now, I just had to clear the rest of the facility. The hatch down into the mines proper was open, but a number of shuffling and moaning noises were easily audible. I give a sigh of vexation, before jumping down. Sooner begun, sooner dead or done. Or however that saying went.

I landed heavily on a small platform just off the ground proper, and spotted the first secondary security switch. I could see a half dozen or so of the things shambling about, but none of them were heading toward me, so I yanked the switch to see what I was up against. And immediately realized that bliss was to be had in ignorance, as the lights came on, revealing what had to be dozens of the shamblers in the large mining chamber. There appeared to be two passages out, but one was mostly filled with rubble, with a shambler slowly squeezing through the gap, while the other was a sealed mining door.

The shamblers had all turned towards me when the lights came on, and began moving in my general direction, several tripping and falling over the loose rubble in the area. The ladder that connected to the upper area had fallen at some point, lying on the ground nearby, meaning that the creatures were stuck down here. I, however, had other options. So I jumped, and then activated the pulse jets on my hips, boosting me up to the previous level.

Oh, right, remember me mentioning the tech chip I found? Yeah, it had pulse jump written into it. Dang useful, and I was quick to equip it into the matter manipulator after the computer identified it. Effectively gave me a double jump, like a ninja! Now on the upper level and high enough the creatures couldn't fly up to me, and couldn't figure out how to arc their shots to hit me, I could take my time sniping them. First, I killed the one crawling through the rubble in the collapsed hallway, sealing the tunnel to prevent letting more in, before I began putting shots into brain pans.

Despite my elevation, weapon experience and accuracy, it still took nearly half an hour to put all of the creatures down. For those playing the home game, I got forty three Shamblers in the first room alone. Considering the security console had stated that there had been three hundred and sixteen miners, twenty admin staff, a single security officer, and five specialists that worked as medics, communication techs, or mechanics, I didn't expect to find any survivors down here now. No way they could have fought off this many creatures, not in the mine.

Oh, by the way, named the bile pukers Shamblers for lack of a better name. If they have a better name, don't care, going with Shamblers.

Anyhoo, the fighting in the hallways of the mine was mostly the same after the first one, so I am going to skip them for more interesting things. Basically, I checked corners, moved slowly, and made sure to watch my back. I was alone down here, and ending up dead in a bile puree courtesy of a Shambler was NOT how I wanted my life to end. That ending involves human female twins, the galaxy's biggest pizza, and a big pile of explosions.

Anyhoo, I eventually found the second security switch on the first level of the mines, and yanked it, only to have a Shambler fall out of the door next to it. Luckily it was as surprised as I was, but it couldn't move fast to save its life, unlike me. So I killed it, and then a bunch more of its buddies as they wondered what the noise was on the other side of the door. I dropped down another ladder, and found myself on the second level of the mines. Which had, surprise surprise, even MORE Shamblers.

The novelty of the situation quickly wore thin ( _and it was pretty thin already_ ), and only got thinner as I lost track of my kills at about one hundred. A corridor led to a room to a dead end to another room to another room, eventually it all began looking the same. My chrono showed I had been at this four hours at the point I got to the first security room on the second mine level, and I was quickly getting irritated.

So when I yanked open the door, and a bullet bounced off the door, you can imagine I was a bit… shocked. I may have yelled something vile, derogatory, and insulting about the shooter's accuracy and mother as I dodged behind the door, before I realized that none of the Shamblers had had either the brains or the hands to pick up and use a gun. So I slowly stuck my head around the corner, and was shocked to see three human miners, but not human minors ( _lawl_ ), a male and two females, staring back at me in equal shock from behind the crates that littered the security room.

After a moment, I sighed, and stepped into the room, sealing the door behind me, and turned to look at the three surprisingly healthy humans. "So, Donner party or were there supplies stored here?"

The three humans exchanged a look before one replied. "What?"

I sigh, before heading for the security switch. "Nevermind, making a joke. Let me get the switch, then I can escort you to the surface facility area. The ladder to it fell, and I cleared the surface facility already. You can wait there for evacuation. Probably more comfortable than sharing a bunk."

The two women turned bright red while the male sighed and rolled his eyes. "The other door out is blocked, did you clear everything that way?"

I nod, and yank the lever, bringing the lights back up in this section. At least it would make it easier to spot the ones I had missed. "Most of them at least. Any idea how many there are?"

The male nodded. "Oh, only a few. They relied on ambushes, and drag whoever they catch off to the bottom of the mine for some reason."

I just stare at him, before letting my eyebrow twitch. "Right. So the hundred plus I fought through to get here?"

That shut him up real quick, so I turned and headed for the door. I opened it carefully, and fired at one of the Shamblers that was lumbering forward from around a pile of rubble. Done with that, I scavenged what I could from the room, but most of the crates were empty, and what was left was pretty useless, pickaxes and drills, though the few spare pieces of ore were discretely claimed. "Right, keep close, but not so much that you run into me or that I can't back up suddenly. I have to head back to the main room anyway, so I can get you to the surface area while I am there."

The male miner held up his pistol. "Don't suppose you have some spare ammo we can have? This is almost empty."

I sighed, before shaking my head. "No, I have a matter manipulator that fabricates the ammo I need. Though... actually…"

I snatched the pistol from his hands, and after a moment the manipulator chimed, indicating that it needed to replenish the pistol's energy store. I handed the recharged weapon back. "Should be nearly, if not completely, full now. Don't waste shots."

Despite the extra juicy targets, we only met a couple new Shamblers on the way back. I also learned that I had explored more than half the mines now, rubble had blocked off most of it, likely by miners trying to contain the Shamblers. I held the ladder steady as the three survivors scurried up, before heading to check the first pile of rubble on a hunch.

Sure enough, the Shambler I had shot that had been crawling through had released its acid, dissolving the pile. Or at least, a bit of the pile. I still had to contort, shuffle, and squirm to get through the hole, but didn't have to go and blindly crawl through it. I did use the flamer on the body, cleaning the mess, and then on the massive horde on the other side of the rubble after getting through the hole. I just blindly fired the flamer at the approaching horde, and then swept the flamer back and forth, before retreating from the hole. As one tried to crawl through, I flamed it, and could hear screams of rage and what I imagined was distress as the flames swept through the tightly packed Shamblers.

Some time later, the flaming Shamblers had stopped trying to crawl through the hole, and the noise on the other side had stopped as well. I cleaned up the mess on the rubble, which had been dissolved even more, so now I didn't even need to contort to get through. The sight on the other side, however, made me stop and fight back memories of an older battle. But at least this time it was monstrosities, rather than Apex conscripts.

The room was absolutely covered in burnt and burning Shambler corpses. They had been packed so tight the flames had spread from one side to the other without the Shamblers ever trying to flee. There had to be at least another one hundred Shambler corpses in the room easily, which meant that the Shambler numbers were quickly approaching the number of miners, which only reinforced a sneaking suspicion I had about the source of the Shamblers. A security room, on the far side of the charnel house that this room had become, beckoned, so I began slowly picking my way across.

Once I made it across, the first thing I noticed about the security room was that both doors into it had been melted to allow the Shamblers entry. The containers that had been in the room were twisted and destroyed, so no point checking for supplies here. Finally finished with the upper level, I now had only two switches to find before the facility was secured, and I had a sneaking suspicion the last switch, the one at the very bottom, was past whatever was converting miners into Shamblers. But first, I had to get to the one on the second level of the mines.

Luckily it wasn't that far to the next security room, literally a couple short ladders and a few short corridors. Sadly, the ladder for the drop into the security room was missing, so once I dropped, I would be down there until I found and replaced the ladder. It looked a little too far for the pulse jump to get him back up. A quick glance into the room, and using the flashlight as the lantern wasn't good for directed light, revealed no opponents, and nothing to hide them, but it did reveal two sealed doors and a switch.

I sighed, and grabbed the shotgun, before dropping down. I tried landing as quietly as I could, before my foot slipped on something wet and slimy in the darkness; eventually I stood up and moved to the switch. Once thrown, the lights flickered on, and both of the doors opened. One door, the closest one, revealed another short passage, a switch, and a sealed door. The other door revealed a large open area, and a miner holding a piece of rebar with a concrete block on one end with the hand closest to me.

He wore blue jeans, a long sleeved shirt, a reflective vest, and a safety helmet that included a safety visor that could polarize for welding. His visor was polarized, and the helmet sat lopsided upon his head. The way he stood and how his helmet sat alerted me to the fact something was wrong, but before I could say anything or move, he spotted me and brought the hand not holding the improvised club up. I nearly lost my stomach as I saw the arm was the same fleshy color and shape as the Shambler arm's, and even had that extra orifice in the palm. Thankfully, this one couldn't vomit bile at me yet, but it was smart enough to be carrying a club.

I raised the shotgun, and blasted it in the gut, trying to immobilize it, but the thing didn't take a hint, and charged at me. To my horror, I realized this one was as fast as I was. I could either run and yank switches as I did, but if I messed up I was going to get splattered by that club. So instead I slammed the slide of the shotgun back, and fired again, this time aiming for the head. And missed.

It roared and charged, and I tossed the shotgun aside, drawing my axe and shield just as it started swinging. I barely got the shield into position, but the movement and angle of the shield caused the blow to slide right off, the impact of the improvised maul against the ground putting a dent into the steel floor. I was too busy swinging the axe as hard as I could to notice. And with the infected miner off balanced even more than it normally was, its neck was wide open for a nice heavy swipe.

The flaming axe slammed into the creature's neck, and exited the other side, cleanly removing the head. Well, cleanly if you discount the mess the stump was making on the floor, even with the flames. Done with the infected miner, I turned and yanked the lever in the hallway, to reveal… another hallway and lever. I sighed, and pulled the new lever, only to reveal ANOTHER ONE. Wondering who the fragging underworld had decided this hallway needed so many locks and doors, I yanked this one, and found myself staring at a room. And then something hit me in the chest, and I dropped.

I let out a yelp of pain, before cursing and screaming. "Gods frag you! Check your forsaken targets before you fire you retards! Seriously, I come here to rescue you, and you SHOOT me!"

Several minutes later, I had an apology from the twitchy and now very sad miner that had reflexively taken a shot at me as the door opened ( _the man admitted that he had never fired a gun before in his life, barely even knew how to hold it, and had drilled me dead center of mass, frag my life_ ), a medic had helped him with applying the nano-bandages I carried with me, and I had realized I had found at least forty or fifty miners. Which meant more than likely all the miners had been accounted for. A quick look around revealed they were in a barracks that also had a security room to one side, meaning I had found the next to last switch.

I eventually got the miners moving back up to the main facility, where they would at least have supplies. Once I had pulled the security lever, a ladder had apparently descended from the ceiling where I had fallen in and met the infected miner. While the surviving miners were heading up, I continued downwards toward what was clearly the source of the problem.

Ten minutes later, I was at least two hundred meters deeper into the mines than before, and my kill count had gone up by four infected miners. It wouldn't have been nearly as annoying if I hadn't had to deal with two sets of two infected. But obviously, I survived. And now there was a security switch in front of me, and a mining hatch that led down, further into the mines. This was mildly concerning, as I hadn't found the source of the Infected and the Shamblers.

But the mining hatch did not completely drown out a dull whine coming through it, or rather two dull whines. One was clearly the sound of machinery running, but the other sounded more like the whine of a starship grade laser battery powering up. Since the sound had been going on the entire time I had been staring at the last security room, debating the merits of actually unlocking it, it clearly wasn't a laser battery. With a sigh, I grab the switch and yank it to its off position, unlocking the mining hatch. "Lets do dis."

A short fall later, and I landed at the bottom of the mine. A quick look around showed a launcher of some kind in the center of the large room, a lot of clear pinkish crystals lying around on the ground, four switches attached to what looked like pillars of some kind sunk into the ground, and an unbelievably massive geometric crystal floating in the center of the room, larger than my space paperweight that had delusions of being a starship. Even as I gaped at it like a loon, it suddenly spun around, and a massive, bloodshot eye stared down at me. Worse, I realized I could make out vague outlines in the crystal, what looked like miners, Shamblers, and some who were halfway through the transformation. Clearly, this thing was the source.

The charging laser noise was coming from the launcher, which had a large indicator showing two lit bars on it, and two empty ones. However, a third hum suddenly joined the laser and machinery hums, and as the hairs on my arms stood up, I realized it was likely being aimed at me. I ran to one side, and suddenly a thick beam of energy shot out of the crystal, and began slowly tracking toward me. I did a quick lap around the room, hitting the two switches that were not activated, and then ran up and hit the launcher.

The laser charging sound reached almost unbearable levels, before the launcher fired, blasting bits of the crystal off, and cutting off the energy beam. The impact also caused the crystal like creature to screech in utter agony, before it refocused on me.

The next ten minutes were filled with frantic running, misfires, several unhappy Shamblers, the unpleasant discovery the room had no cover relative to the creature, the loss of my shotgun to one of the energy beams from the creature, and several nasty burns, before I FINALLY got the third shot off. The creature had gotten canny about using its energy beams to cut me off from the launcher, which would reset if at max charge and not fired quickly. But with the third hit, the crystal, which had been fracturing with each hit, completely shattered. Several half converted Shambler bodies hit the ground, the Shambler that had been chasing me fell over, and one of the miners that had been inside stood up.

The other miners looked partially melted, or maybe digested was a better word, but this guy looked fairly healthy, if sticky and covered in crystal monster goop. He wasn't coherent, but didn't freak out as I led him to one of the crates at the edge of the room and had him sit down. I then climbed up the only ladder in the room that wasn't destroyed, and found a mining machine. As I shut it down, the small drone suddenly beeped at me, and then the computer spoke through my headpiece. "You survived. Odd. Anyway, grab the crystals in the hopper of the mining machine. We need those to repair the hyperdrive. Then I will teleport you back to the ship."

Finally finished with the most annoying rescue mission I had ever been on, I collected the two dozen or so crystals from the drilling machine's hopper, and was abruptly teleported out, along with the drone. I hate computers.


	6. Chapter 6

Journal 5

Day 'Have to say this to start a journal'

I hate computers. I hate quests. I hate people. And I really, REALLY hate cats.

I assume you want an explanation journal? Of course you do. Otherwise I would have to realize I am talking to my computer like a person, and that maybe the isolation is starting to drive me a little bananas.

Six weeks. That is why I am a little loopy. Six weeks since I went to the Erchius or Erebus or who the heck cares what it was called?

Sorry. Gonna take a minute and try to remember how to deal with things that aren't trying to murder me or get me murdered or conspiring to have me murdered. I am talking about YOU COMPOOTER!

… … … … …

Alright, feeling a bit better, kicked the main computer console for a few minutes, until I accidentally broke something and brought up the diagnostic and preferences screen. Played with the controls a bit, now have a nice, perky, friendly female computer avatar instead of a cold, distant, homicidal Skynet crystal infused computer avatar.

So, first things first. I successfully cleared the distress signal at the mining facility. A Marine ship arrived a few minutes after the computer teleported me out, and they contacted me to figure out what had happened as the miners' stories were a bit… all over the place. Actually had to meet with the ship to hand over a copy of the recording the ship made, and found out that it had already been uploaded to ExtraNet Videos AND the 'Funniest Human Death' site. The FHD site had taken the video down in a few hours due to me not dying in it, but on ENV it had made the top five videos of the week in four hours. Apparently people (by which I mean humans) like to see people (by which I mean other humans) kicking ass and being awesome.

Except for the parts where I squeed on finding the assault rifle. And screamed a little when the Shambler dropped down behind me. And screamed like a girl at the first infected (commenter's words, I replied with an offer to help him find out how he screamed as a maul narrowly missed his head, no reply back). And got shot by the people I was trying to help. And how setting the last ten minutes of the video to Yakety Sax actually made it better.

But other than that, I was awesome. So, after coming back, the quest giver thanked me and sent me on my way. I was mildly miffed. While my hyperdrive was working for a change, the computer was still its old self, and apparently thought I needed to die. Another helpless townsperson wanted my help, but again they felt I needed better armor, this time titanium based. While never one to turn down the chance to upgrade my ability to survive and murderlate things, having it be mandatory to bypass some stupid gate was annoying.

However, I needed to do it or else I wasn't going to get the quest to steal the nipple pasties of the great cat goddess Sex-E-Muma, or whatever the quest was, so I headed back to the ship to do that. Installed the crystals, fixed the hyperdrive, and I was finally ready to ditch this system in favor of murdering things more likely to murder me back. Whatever, the local murderable things weren't a challenge anymore, so upping my game was always an option.

Anyhoo, had to first hit up an airless rocky moon for fuel and such, which sucked. Must have spent two days trying to find fuel, and even with the computer's help on possible fuel locations, still had to practically dig to the core to find any worth actually scooping up. And when I did, I usually fell into the small lake of liquid fuel I found. My old armor still stinks of the fuel.

Anyhoo, once the fuel tanks and fuel rod storage were full (yes, actually found some plutonium ore down there, enough to make a hundred rods or so; probably gonna have my hands drop off or eyes melt or whatever radiation does to you), I picked a nearby system. Eccentric stars were, according to the computer, where I wanted to go next, and it could actually link with scans done of the area by other vessels. No one appeared to have landed, so I was exploring virgin, uncharted territory. So I picked a random planet in the system, and landed.

And found myself right outside an avian tomb and a florian village. So much for 'virgin' territory.

Needless to say, pissed sort of described me dropping down into what was essentially a pitched battle between about twenty birds and maybe thirty plants, without warning no less. Have I mentioned that I hate restless native and my computer? Well, my old one, haven't actually done anything with the new avatar, so no opinion on her yet. Other than being cute.

Anyhoo, back on topic, and quickly, I died.

Yeah, it was painful, caught a round right in the back while trying to deal with a florian berserker, and one of the avians thought they could get a double kill. I had no idea, but we have a cloning facility on board, and the computer managed to teleport up my brains. So either it is a cloning tank, or I am a new type of zombie. Branez.

*cough* Sorry, no idea where that came from. Once back down on the planet, 'cause by the pubic hairs of Sex-E-Muma, I was not getting beaten off a planet by a bunch of back-asswards natives and their trigger happy guards, no sir, I finished off the rest of the avians guarding the tombs, and then the florian guards settled down.

The florians were actually pretty nice, inviting me to dinner, but I know carnivorous plants without having to have one bite me, so I said no thanks, and headed into the tomb. Me and the florians had to have killed at least twenty guards around the exterior of the tomb, and I thought that that was the majority, if not all, of them.

WRONG!

This tomb had another thirty guards inside, dug in and waiting for the florians. And apparently, humans and florians looked a lot alike to the danged chirpies. So I ended up cleaning out the tomb because I will be forsaken before I let some trigger happy bird use me for target practice without the good grace of at least being a decent shot, and had to kill them all. Got a lot of pixels and some good equipment, including a new grenade launcher. Still missing my shotgun, but whatever, the assault rifle was better.

Finished exploring as much of the planet as I cared to (still avoiding the florian village, already died once on that dirt ball, no need to do it again so quickly), and decided to start digging down.

Two muther fragging weeks LATER, I finally managed to dig my way up out of that hole enough to get the smart-arsed computer to consent to letting me off that planet. Considering I got pretty darned tooting close to the molten core of the planet inside three days of descending, that is fragging annoying. To put it mildly.

But anyway, I had enough titanium to make a small moon or space station out of the stuff, a new, more powerful version of the assault rifle, and a new shotgun. Once back on the ship, I set to work crafting some new armor. And I looked swanky! Hip! Awesome! And down right sexy.

Except for the shirt, that looked like a bag of butts threw up on a dead rat's corpse, ate the corpse, and then pooped it out. And then the poop ate the bag of butts and pooped THAT out, and then wore it as a hat. The bag of butts as a poop hat, not the rat's corpse. That would just look silly.

But anyway, I teleported back to the Outpost, having discovered that I could drink in my helmet through something the schematics labeled an 'emergency induction port,' and then went to figure out what the next mission to try and splatter my corpse every which way.

What I discovered was that I was going after the dread space pirate Dreadwing. At his makeshift camp. On a wartorn underworld torn excuse of a planet. With his entire murderous crew either nearby on the planet, or in low orbit in smaller spacecraft. And that he and his entire crew were PENGUINS.

I wish I could claim I was making that last paragraph up just to screw with you journal, but sadly, every. Last. Word. Equal. Fact.

And worse, the computer thought it was a good idea to run out immediately, wearing blue body paint (and nothing else, direct quote), screaming at the tops of my lungs about freedom, and use the axe, as penguins were utterly terrified of screaming, axes, freedom and the color blue. The crew would scatter to leave Dreadwing to crash into the nearest object so he (or she) could waddle away in abject terror.

Naturally, I had stopped listening to the computer after about the mention of blue body paint and nothing else. What I was unaware of was that the teleport function could be manipulated, if one knew what they were doing, to leave or add things to an outbound or (with far greater difficulty) incoming teleportee. So I arrived in what looked like a world in the middle of the first world war, trenches, barbed wire, tanks, and heavier weapon emplacements everywhere. On my side, I had… blue paint, and my axe. … I hate computers.

Needless to say, I died for the second time, though I did get about five of the penguin basturds as the computer refused to answer my hails. It got no video, as the first thing I did was destroy its recording drone.

Once I woke back up on the ship, I spent a week cutting the computer off from every system on the ship I could, leaving it only in control of the power plant and the hyperdrive, as I had no idea what to do with those two systems without it. And the computer, while enjoying its attempts to kill me, clearly didn't want to kill itself to kill me.

As for my second attempt (which was successful, and far more video worthy, I even printed out a recording drone to follow as a taunt to the computer), please refer to the attached video journal.

Anyhoo, I came back, and found the computer had somehow regained control of the atmospheric controls, and had pumped radiation into the ship. Which esd apparently absorbed through the skin or something. This was when I and the computer decided we were at war with each other, and it wouldn't end until one or the other was obliterated. Sadly for it, I had a cloning tank.

I managed to rip its wiring to the control of the atmospheric systems out, and then healed up before heading to the outpost. Turned in the quest to deal with Dreadwing and his buddies, got a processor. My next quest was stupidly simple, get an absurd amount kelp for someone that thought that it was the next big commodity boom or some such star dung.

That quest didn't even require me leaving the system, just a short hop to a gas giant with three oceanic planets, and then my choice of which to go diving in. Took about ten minutes to sink low enough, thankfully my rebreather also prevented the bends, else it would have been... unpleasant to get out. If not outright lethal.

Nearly two hours later, I made a note to upgrade that lantern on my back to something that would actually work underwater, but I still had the flashlight from the equipment locker. Sadly, the matter manipulator required two hands to properly use it, and I sadly lacked the prehensile penis or third arm needed to use both at the same time. However, I finally had the small mountain of kelp stored in the matter manipulator.

An hour LATER, I got to dry land, having taken half an hour to surface of the ocean, and then half an hour to get out of the water for the teleporter system to finally lock onto me. Disabling the computer from the teleporter apparently meant that certain functions didn't work so well now. Once back on the ship, I finally had enough of the cramped space, the only room other than the tiny cockpit stuffed full of equipment and a sleeping bag for when I needed to rest. I remembered a space chop shop on the Outpost, and headed there to bury the idiot in his kelp pile, before visiting the shop.

…

Sorry, had to get a drink, talking this much is making me thirsty. Also slightly dizzy. … Or maybe that is a side effect of me unhooking the computer from the atmospheric controls. I took off my rebreather, one moment please.

…

Alright, back, no longer dizzy, have my rebreather on, and the computer is hooked back up to everything. Air is good again, now, where was I?

Indistinct muttering as the journal is reread.

Ah, right. Gave the idiot his kelp, sadly didn't get to bury him it, he had a manipulator as well, but he did give me a radiation filtering rebreather, and then hit up the chop shop. They wanted me to do some helping out around the place, so I spent another week hopping around, doing the quests I had found way back, but never bothered doing. I came back, dropping off bugs, baked a cake, bought someone some chocolate, handed my old spiffy black jacket off to a florian who thought it was cool, and then hunted down a script that had been junked. Done with that, I got to return to the ship for diamonds to trade for the ship upgrade license, grabbing the fair sized stockpile, and returned for my license. I returned to the ship, and gleefully upgraded it, as well as my lantern on a stick to a halon pack and then a xenon pack. Great for seeing in dark places.

Anyhoo, finished with the first upgrade, I spent an hour rearranging the ship, and managed to drop the new robotic crafting table I made with the processor on my foot. Again, I was manly and stoic about the injury, and most definitely and assuredly did not scream like a hylotl woman being attacked by a feisty octopus, and with my foot trap couldn't, I mean didn't, roll around on the floor. So definitely increasing my stoic and manly ratings. Like a champ.

After playing interior decorator and moving all the crafting stuff to the new room, I returned to the Outpost for a drink. And discovered, to my horror, more quests. I nearly went on a delivery service rampage. Instead of drawing my assault rifle and painting the Outpost red, though, I simply sighed, and went on like a delivery service. Name, desire, reward, etc, all seven quests were quickly picked up, including, surprise surprise, another one to upgrade my armor. I nearly screamed. Though the idea of a florian party was amusing, and I was heavily armed enough that I could hold my own long enough to flee if needed.

Gods, this entry is LONG. Need another drink, BRB.

…

Back. Anyway, ran around for ANOTHER week doing quests, and then bought the next license, and upgraded my ship again. Sadly, I didn't have anything to shove in the massive room that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Mostly because this was the engine room, the five massive engines on the ship taking up at least half of the new room. Though considering that a bit more than two weeks ago, I had been in charge of a single room, Flitter class starfighter, and now was in a Kestrel class, frigate grade gunship, it was clear I was moving up in the world. I also had significantly more room in the cockpit than pretty much anywhere else by then, so I moved my sleeping bag up to it. At least when something went wrong, I would be close by.

I then, having the unusual and super powerful ability called 'pattern recognition,' returned to the Outpost to get the newest quests. Thankfully, there were only four this time, and they looked fairly simple. Just find an avian moon symbol, a glitch book on a stand, some poison and cheese, and finally a… what was it… a piece of string, that's right. Had one on me, got a sweet mellow guitar. Sadly, I can't play. But if I ever wanted to inflict horrible noises upon my prisoners, now I can. Though bagpipes would be a better choice, and those I can play.

What? I was a marine before I became a mercenary, and spent two of my six years in the service as part of the regimental band. The middle two, if you are curious journal. The first two was as a basic line grunt, which SUCKED Apex balls harder than a twenty pixel date, and the last two as part of the marine starfighter division. And that's how I know how to pilot a starship.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, but add like seventeen cat attacks during the weeks leading up to the ocean planet. None after, finally figured out the little fuzzy demon from the underworld was hungry for something other than the paste the ship spat out for it, and after frying enough fish to feed a planet for a month, gave it all to the thing. Even got it a nice little house (dog, sadly, no cat houses, but whatever) and a couple food bowls, one for food the other for water. I still hate cats though.

…

And that is it. Wow, that took WAY too long, nearly two hours. Anyway, the ship is getting bigger, so need to get an actual crew, the little computer controlled repair drones won't cut it if something big happens. Hmm, gonna need an engine crew at least, but no idea where to find them. Maybe should check for distress signals later.

Whatever, going to finish formatting and adding some minor edits to that video journal of me beating a bunch of fail birds. Mostly enhancing the lighting, reducing the static from the explosions overloading the mic, things like that, so drop the look computer. Journal, end dictation.

End of entry, formatting, removing accent, and archiving


	7. Chapter 7: Floran Party

_A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates, I have no acceptable excuse other than a lack of interest in just about everything. I blame a lot of things. But mostly me. And video games. And losing my beta. And..._

 _ **Floran Party**_

I land in a clearing on the jungle planet, and take a long look around, assault rifle already in hand. Nothing was trying to stab me yet, so maybe the Floran Party was an actual party, and not an elaborate ambush plot. A quick glance back, ensuring the recorder drone was there, before turning toward the structure. It was the only thing of note in the clearing, and several torches lined the path toward the ruin.

I do a quick equipment check, making sure everything had come with me. Titanium armor set was intact and still on, a good first sign. Flamethrower and shotgun on clamps on the xenon backpack on my back, and my simple titanium axe and shield are clipped to my belt. The matter manipulator and storage pack are where they are supposed to be, hanging off the back of my belt, out of the way but convenient. Assault rifle with attached flashlight, in hand, which was the last piece I had brought with me and not stored. So time to party.

A short jog up the path, armor and equipment softly jingling, and I spotted a couple dozen florans standing around around. Most were unarmed and unarmored, though four were standing just outside the only entrance to the structure, or at least the only one I could see, bearing visible weapons and armor. The other florans are spread around the outside of the circular area, some talking softly with each other, others eating and drinking the contents of the tables scattered about, but all of them are staring at the lone human that just walked in.

Conscious of the two dozen carnivorous plants staring at me, I slip my rifle into its clamp on my backpack, and approach the guards. "Heard there was a Florian party going on, and that a great warrior would be a good addition."

Two of the guards smirk, one rolls 'his(?)' eyes, and the other just sneers before answering. "Then you heard wrong, meatman. This is a Floran Party."

I raise an eyebrow, and give the speaker a cheeky grin. "What's the difference?"

A spear is suddenly in my face, right in front of my eye, but the soft hiss lower down indicates that I did manage to grab my flamethrower and activate it. "An 'i.' And you are late. The hunters already went in."

One of the smirking guards' grabs 'her(?)' spear, and carefully pulls it back, while the eye roller moves to the side and taps my flamethrower with his axe. After I take my finger off the trigger and deactivate the pilot light, the one that tapped my flamethrower speaks. "The other hunters went in a while and a bit ago. If you want to catch up… Well... you brave, 'meatman'?"

I give him an amused grin, practically my default expression, before shrugging nonchalantly as I could. "I'm here, am I not?"

That got a grin from the four guards, before they gestured behind me. "Then stand in the innermost circle."

A shrug is my reply, before heading back and standing in it. As I turn around, I notice that one of the guards was halfway inside the door, grabbing a lever I hadn't seen earlier. "What does that…"

He yanks the lever with a vicious grin, and the floor drops out from under me, revealing a lightless pit below me. Even the powerful xenon backpack, mounted on my back, doesn't reach the bottom. "Dddaaaahhhhhh!"

I fell for what felt like a surprisingly long time, though it was probably only a few seconds at most, before landing in rapidly moving water below me. Really COLD water, but it was moving, likely from a waterfall somewhere behind and above me from the noise, so landing after a few dozen, maybe even as much as a hundred, feet wasn't as painful as it could have been. Or maybe that was shock. Either way, nothing was broken, and I swam to the surface, just in time to watch the trap door on the pit close.

Thankfully, the light pack did a good job of lighting up the darkness, and nothing seemed to be trying to eat me, so the situation could always be worse. Even better, I could see a tunnel ahead of me to one side, leading deeper into the… wherever the hell I was. Cave system, mountainside, cat goddess' bunghole, I didn't know, didn't care. Though I suspected it wasn't the last, not smelly enough.

After a moment of careful swimming, I hauled my watery carcass out of the lake, did a quick check of my weapons and equipment. And then took off my back and weapons, and dove back in, having lost my helmet when I hit the water. A few moments later, I was back on land with my helmet this time, and got everything together. A flick of the safety, the rifle to my shoulder, and I bravely strode into the retreating darkness, subtle as a nuke to the forehead thanks to the pack on my back. I made a note to myself, to install an off switch on it so I could engage in tactical repositioning without a spot light over my head.

The tunnel I was following twisted, turned, zigged, zagged, ascended, descended, and sagged a quite a bit, and I had only been in here for about ten minutes. Clearly I was in hell, punishment for my various sins. Now if only I could remember them…

I was so distracted by my musing that I didn't see the portcullis blocking the path until I literally walked into it. Thankfully, my armor was padded, so other than a soft giggle to one side doing significantly more damage to my ego, I didn't actually get hurt. A glance around revealed a small hole in the wall, where a Floran watched me. This one looked decidedly more female than the ones above, as was her voice. "Meatman get lost? Or just late?"

I stood up and brushed myself off, and collected the rifle before looking for a way to open the gate. "Sorry, didn't realize I had a date, else I would have been less fashionably late."

She actually laughed, though it sounded a bit off. "Ah, worry not, meatman. Huntress just surprised to see someone on that side. Would you like through? Lever is here. Though if you do, the other hunters will not be… social. Glad, yes, but you look like you could handle yourself."

She hummed to herself, before suddenly the gate began grinding open, loudly. "See you at the next gate. If you live that long. Or maybe as someone's trophy…"

She turned and vanished into the darkness on the other side of the wall, leaving me to stew in my thoughts, until an arrow suddenly slammed into my shoulder. Reminded that Florans liked their meat fresh, raw, and preferably still screaming, I brought the rifle up and gave the archer a generous thank you, a full clip of hot lead as I sidestepped into cover, yanking the arrow out of my shoulder armor. No damage to me, but still annoying as hell.

After a moment of nothing happening, I stepped back into the opening, and then dove back into cover as three arrows zipped through the place where I had been standing. I could already tell this was going to be 'fun.'

Three minutes later, and eight dead Floran hunters, I finally stepped into the hunting grounds proper. I had switched to the shotgun and flamethrower, as the rifle didn't do enough damage to their plant organs or whatever, but those two definitely did. And then, for my second step, promptly fell into a poison pool. (FML)

Ten minutes after hauling myself out of the pool, I was healed thanks to the modern miracle of magic space bandages, though now five lighter than I had been. Luckily, I had hundreds. Still, needed to be more careful, as next time the florans might not be so nice as to wait for me to heal up first. Still, the thin green layer of… whatever floating on the top looked a lot like the thin green whatever growing on the stone. And promptly proved my own point by falling into another pit of poisonous water.

Five minutes later, as it didn't take nearly as long to get out this time, I was up and ready to go on. And swiped a spear from one of the dead hunters, and used it to check the floor I was about to step on. Naturally, less than ideal, but better than falling into a third pool. The spear allowed me to do just that, and side step the third pool. Right into the fourth one.

Once out again, and healed again, I grabbed the flamethrower, and set the floor on fire, burning the concealing muck away, and made it much easier to see what I was stepping on. A few minutes after that, without any further plunges, I made it out of the starting room. Proudly did I stroll into the next room, burning the green stuff left and right, no longer fearing the poisonous liquids. Eventually, I found two paths, one leading down, the other leading up. Remembering that liquids tended to settle, I headed upwards.

And walked right into a room full of floran hunters. Two dead animals, massive in size, had been butchered in the center, their shells cracked open and floran hunters gorging on the insides. Until I walked in, and gagged at the smell. Loudly.

Every florans' head snapped up at the sound, and we all stared at each other for maybe five seconds, before they all dove for their weapons, I lay down a wall of flame, and then ran. Deciding the lower level was, in fact, the safer choice, I took off, though the cries behind me quickly hinted that I wasn't the only one running. A few quick blasts backwards with the flamer, however, convinced them that I wasn't worth the effort. Or I burned enough to a crisp the others figured they didn't need more food.

Either way, after a few minutes of taking random turns, I realized two things. Number one, I was alone. Number two, I had no idea where I was. The first was good, the second, not so much. So I took a quick stock of my situation, took a quick drink from my canteen, and pulled out my 'Emergency Direction Decider.' Placed it straight up on the ground, and waited. A few seconds later, the stick fell over, indicating which direction I should go.

Taking a second to collect my EDD, I then headed down the indicated path. Two turns later, I enter a small cavern, and find… no other exits. I frown as I slowly take a second turn around the room, before spotting a small tunnel entrance further up the wall, above the one I had come in. But without my xenon pack, I likely never would have spotted it, and even with it, I had to be deliberately looking for something to do so.

Still, it was pretty high up, but with a few attempts, and only landing on my back and ass once each, I managed to jump up to it. Muttering about inappropriate jumping puzzles under my breath, I look around the even smaller cavern I found myself in. It was room sized, if one was feeling generous, about the same size as the center segment of my ship. A lot more rocks taking up what little room there was, though.

Nothing of interest in the room, but as I turned to leave, I spotted something small and white behind one of the rocks. I didn't call out, I did remember where I was, floran hunting grounds, but this was odd, it almost seemed to be hiding. I stalked around the chamber, but the… whatever it was was silent and unmoving.

Once I finally got around, I stepped around the rock, flamethrower at the ready, and paused. Two huge eyes looked up at me, and I realized I was looking at a small floran. The floran was curled up, their legs against their chest, arms around their legs, and from what I understood of the race, they were genderless. Still, this one was clearly not full grown, as the hunters had been as big, if not bigger in a couple cases, as me, and this one couldn't have gone up past my mid torso.

It was also thin, almost to the point of seeing it's, frag it, it kinda reminded me of my neighbor's little girl when I was growing up, so this Floran was a girl. Same color eyes, silverish gray, though nothing else was like the little girl in my memories. Still, too thin, too scared, and too pale. What was wrong with me, finding the small and pathetic and bringing it home with me? That was how the rest of the crew had… I mean, the tentacle monster had snuck on without anyone bringing it on, that is what happened, yep. Official story.

Anyway, enough distractions. I knelt next to the small floran, who didn't move anything but her eyes. Even beside her, I could barely see her moving as she breathed. All in all, I got the impression she was not healthy or happy. I sigh, and pulled out my canteen and some of the roasted fish and meat I had hunted. Almost immediately, her eyes lit up a bit, though she didn't move, until I put the first piece on the ground and backed off a bit. The piece of fish I had put near her vanished like a magic act.

I was glad the matter manipulator could carry so much, because she did her best to put a dent in the amount I carried. Sadly, I could carry a lot. Still, she was looking a bit better after eating her body weight in roasted meat and fish, but refused any water. After a moment, I shrugged, and stood up. Done with my good deed for the day, I headed back the way I came. Though I hear footsteps behind me. A quick glance back, after I jump back down into the first cavern, revealed that I had made a friend, as the floran was following me, and didn't hide as I turned toward her.

We spent a moment staring at each other, before I sigh, and gesture for her to follow. "Well, you coming or not?"

She tilted her head to the side, but didn't move. Of course she couldn't understand me, why would she? I just sigh, and keep moving, now with a pale shadow shadowing me. Still, nothing I couldn't handle.

Or so I thought, until I wandered into another cavern, and practically ran into another group of hunters. Literally, they were entering the tunnel I was exiting. I still had my flamethrower, plants burned well after all, but this was a bit close, even for me. Perfect for them, though, as I jumped back, barely dodging a spear thrust. I got the flamer up, and hosed down the group, but these hunters were made of stern stuff, or maybe just wet, as they steamed but didn't fall. The first one rushed past me with a scream, but the other four kept stabbing and slashing, but I kept backing up, and the flamethrower kept throwing flames.

After a few more seconds of intense heat, the four hunters fell, and I turned at the sound of something hitting the ground. Seeing the floran that had been following me knocked to the ground, with the remaining hunter standing over her, spear raised, and uttering a shrill cry of triumph. I dropped the flamethrower, and dropped to a crouch as I turned, bringing the rifle around and up to my shoulder. A quick tap knocked the hunter off balance enough his spear thrust didn't connect with the floran cowering on the floor, so I unloaded the rest of the clip into him.

As the last shot connected, he stood back up, and glared. So I drew my shotgun, and began advancing. He charged, and I gave him a reward for his bravery, a face full of flaming buckshot. The body hit the ground and continued to burn, as I checked on my little 'friend.' Other than a bit of bruising and some scratches, she didn't seem too hurt. So after helping her to her feet, I continued on into the room.

Several tunnels and chambers later, and two fights with roving bands of hunters, I finally found something new. Another portcullis, but still, it was a sign of progress. Sadly, like the last, this one didn't have a lever in view on his side, and after a few minutes of searching the room, interrupted by another hunter group, I was forced to admit that it wasn't near the ground. But before he could start looking for a higher cave, a familiar voice stops him. "So, meatman sstill huntss. Interessting, and you even found the lessssser prey. What will meatman do with it? It, iss prey of thiss hunt."

At first, the human soldier was confused, both by her new sibilant hissing and words, before a gentle nudge against my back reminded him of his pale shadow. I frowned at the small floran hiding behind him as she peeked out at the direction of the voice, before heading back to the portcullis. "Get her out."

The Huntress from before stood by the lever he had seen, but hadn't been able to reach. At my comment, the huntress blinked, and then started laughing. "How brave. How 'noble.'"

A few minutes of silence, broken only by the drip of water, passed. I stare at the floran huntress, who stared back. And then she broke it with a smile. "Reminds me of my elder sister's last hunt. Also with a human, like you. Though she found her lesser prey. And you amuse me."

I simply continued to stare, but lowered the flamethrower, figuring it wouldn't be needed now. She continued speaking, unaware or caring of my actions. "So here is my deal. I have… opponents in the next room, waiting for one of theirs in the deeper tunnels to open the barrier ahead. Sadly, I already found him. However, I don't want to deal with them. So, instead, I open the barrier for you, you and lesser prey go through. I shut it behind you. I will be waiting at next barrier. Try not to be long."

With that, she yanked the lever beside her, raising the portcullis, though she began pulling it back almost immediately. I grabbed the little floran, and dashed forward, having to duck under the descending hunk of petrified tree material. Once under it, I paused, getting my breath back, and looked around.

Just in time to take a spear to the gut. I had no idea how that floran hunter had gotten that close to me without noticing, but luckily my armor caught the blow. That didn't stop the floran from twisting the spear and ripping the stomach plate off, the tip embedded in the heavy metal. Suddenly aware of my exposed stomach, I brought up the flamer, and bathed the attacker in flames.

A quick look around showed nearly a dozen other hunters, and one really big one, charging me, so I grabbed the little floran that was following me (need to think of a name for her, but later), and jumped. The servos in my armor allowed me to jump far higher than I could without them, and then I activated the pulse jump, jetting even higher. And landed right in an elevated tunnel, with no clear entrance to the ground below. A good spot to drop of the floran sprout, or whatever they were called. Fuck it, I am calling her Sprout until I decide on a better name.

Done with making sure his charge was both named and safe, I turned and jumped back down toward the swirling mass of floran hunters out for my blood, spears, axes, and the rare spear-axe combo all waiting for me. And promptly pulse jumped back up into the small cavern, before using the flamer to thin them out a bit. And then by a lot. And then by as much as I could, though the big guy had managed to back out of my range with the flamer, and stood by, impotently glaring at me with all the hatred his beady little eyes could direct from his shrunken little heart. So I drew my assault rifle and shot him in the head a few times.

Smirking at the apparent leader's half second look of shocked disbelief, I jumped down, and began checking these bodies, figuring that a group this far along should have something good. And that the leader's armor was actually concealing a rather impressive and scary looking set of tribal garments. And the garments were mostly intact, thanks to his armor protecting most of it. Still needed some repairs, but it would look good on a stand. Or maybe Sprout (gods I hate that name, need new one) would like it once she grew up a bit.

But the cream of the scavenging also came from the leader, as I grabbed his weapon. The ax wasn't the largest, nor the spikiest, nor the heaviest. But it was made from a metal I hadn't seen before, and was on fire, so even better. And when I chopped with it, the axe sent this swirling fireball out that exploded when it impacted something. Not a big explosion, mind, but still. I was definitely happy, it was an axe, it was on fire, and it made explosions.

Today had definitely been a good day, so far at least. I jumped up and collected Sprout, and then headed to the far side of the chamber, to find Huntress waiting for us near another lever. She gave me a bright smile, as much as she could with her unusual facial muscles at least, as she opened the next portcullis. "See you soon. Bring little prey. The big prey is ahead."

He led Sprout through, and suddenly was almost face to face with Huntress. He didn't flinch, instead his eyes meeting her completely black ones, and after a moment she nodded. "I am Huntress Tarna. Little prey should wait here, on this side of turn. Big prey ahead."

I nodded as Sprout stopped without me needing to say anything, and we rounded a second corner into yet another cavern. I did a quick glance around, before turning to Tarna, glad to finally have a name for her. "And I am acting captain…"

Anything else I was going to say was cut off as a glob of something sticky, wet, and foul smelling splashed over my helmet, silencing me completely. Thankfully the rebreather kept everything out of my mouth, but still. I cleaned off the visor of my helmet, making a note to make sure the next one was a fully enclosed helm, before looking up. And immediately diving to the side as a massive mouth slammed shut where I had been standing. I look at the massive creature as its many eyes rotated to track me, others to track Tarna, before it retreated back upwards to prepare its next attack. I glance at my ally, whose spear was sending lances of electricity up at the creature. "Big prey, I guess?"

Huntress only glanced over long enough to give him a smile, before dodging a small version of the creature that tried to drop on her. "You take the littles, I will crack the big open. Then we feast!"

I gave her a flat stare, before pulling out my shotgun, and getting to work as an exterminator. The next few minutes were a blur, shotgun blasts for the first few little crawlers, and then switching to the flamer for a big group of them. And Tarna danced and leap from one outcropping of rock to another, always aiming her spear up at the big one. She seemed competent and to know what she was doing, so I turned my attention back to the little ones dropping from above the big prey, when I wasn't avoiding it trying to stick me with its saliva or bite me.

Still, the blur of combat only lasted until one of little ones dropped directly onto my head, falling ever faster, meaning I was primarily using the flamer now, instead of the shotgun I had started with. But once that one landed on me, I slammed back to the now as I did the ground. A long scrape of claws across my back drew an involuntary grunt as my armor was breached, and was quickly joined by a swear as my rifle clattered free. A quick twist and I rolled on top of the one on my back, pinning it beneath me, and I flailed with the flamer before activating my pulse jets.

Instead of shoving me along the ground, as I expected, I boosted into the air. I ripped the creature off my back as I started down, drawing another line of pain across my back as it found another weak spot, and threw it under me. It crushed in a very satisfactory manner as I landed, and then jumped clear. Another pulse jump, and all the creatures on the ground were in front of me, and I had a flamer. As they turned and lunged, screeching for my blood, I simply gave them a big smile, and triggered the flamer.

Only for the big creature to fall on the little ones, crushing them under it, the electricity having finally built up enough damage to its muscles to cause it to lose control of them. The impact shattered its armor, and I was already firing the flamer. It was loud, smelly, and messy, and the creature's thrashing was only doing more damage to its carapace. It didn't take long to die under that punishment, and then I stopped roasting it.

Tarna was already gorging on the other side, almost bathing in the unroasted side of the creature. Even as I watched, Sprout ran in, attracted by the smell, and began feeding as well. It was… disturbing, watching them rip chunks of flesh free with their bare hands, and feast on the raw flesh of the creature. I watch for a moment, before shrugging and stepping to the side of the creature I had roasted. It wasn't cooked, more charred, but a bit of cutting with my knife got me to less charcoaled sections of the creature. A brief whiff, however, convinced me that feasting myself would not be a good idea, so I move to one side and let the two florans eat their fill.

It was oddly mesmerizing, if a bit horrifying, watching the two florans eat, especially since I could watch Sprout literally changing color as she ate the raw meat in front of me, going from a pale grey to a light bluish green. I learned a good bit about florans just from watching, though mostly that their 'lips' were actually their teeth. It made the idea of a certain adult film series industry vaguely disturbing, one that one of my squaddies had enjoyed called 'Busty Florian Seed Hunters.'

Luckily, I banished those thoughts quickly, before they could do more than slightly scar me, and not nearly as much as the film I had walked in on had done. A quick glance at the two florans showed their gorging was slowing significantly, apparently reaching the limit of what they could store, so I stepped carefully around the two to the side that they weren't eating, and wasn't charred. I pulled out the matter manipulator, and began harvesting the creature. If Sprout was going with me, she would need something to eat that wasn't me.

I finish harvesting most of the creature, and find Sprout has curled up in the small dent she had made in the creature, while Tarna was stretching like someone had just finished a very enjoyable experience. She gave me a very measure look, like weighing me against some standard, before shrugging and rolling her shoulders in a way that would have been distracting if not for the fresh blood and viscera on her face and chest. I repress a shudder, as I walk around her to shake Sprout awake, but other than earning a grumble and slow snap of her mouth at me, she didn't respond. I sigh, and pick her up, trying to ignore how she snuggled her gore covered chest and face into his armor.

Tarna just laughed, before sauntering toward the exit on the other side of the cavern, having ripped a horn from the head of the creature. The tunnel turned into stairs leading up, and after travelling for a few minutes, she spoke. "Well done, Acting Captain. You hunt well for a meatman, and even have a trophy to take with you."

I sigh, and respond. "She isn't a trophy, and my name is not Acting Captain. It is…"

I was cut off as Sprout abruptly let out a huge belch, making me silently gag at the smell of raw meat, ichor, and digestive juices that wafted up. Tarna simply laughed at the situation, before stepping out of the tunnel into a clearing. It was near twilight, so I had been down in the tunnels for hours, but not so long that true night had fallen. She smirked back at me as she stepped to the side. "Well, acting captain Belch Gag, I have my trophy, and you have yours, making you the first meatman to win a floran party. Your reward is on the table ahead. I would advise collecting it and leaving. Quickly."

I step out of the tunnel, mouth opening to ask why, and suddenly realize I am surrounded, absolutely, completely, and utterly surrounded, by a massive gathering of florans. There had to be hundreds, if not thousands, around me, and none of them were happy to see a meatman carrying a target of the hunt. Realizing the danger I was in, that they would swarm me the second the shock of me winning wore off, I simply nod to the Huntress, and walk to the table with all the swagger I can spare while not jostling Sprout.

Florans were carnivores, but a creature regarded as prey that didn't flee or show fear would cause confusion and hesitation, so I did my best to add to it without showing my fear. I got to the table, and opened one of the two chests, and found a rebreather tech inside, likely an improvement for mine. I quickly collected it, and sent a message to the ship, as several of the florans snapped out of their shock, and screamed in feral rage as I collected the prize.

Luckily, I and Sprout were already dematerializing as the more enraged members began rushing, so I just stuck my tongue out at them, even as I vanished.


End file.
